24. The Right Thing To Say...

It’s Not Over - Secondhand Serenade

When Alex woke up the next morning, he was alone. He propped himself up on his elbows and glanced around the unfamiliar room, the memories of the night before, filtering through his head like the flashes of 16mm film; choppy, disoriented, and unfocused.
He fell back down, running his hands over his face as he tried to remember what the last thing he’d said to Evan was, or the last thing he remembered her hearing…

But then he realized, they hadn’t really said anything last night at all. There had been no promises or I love you’s, no meaningful words or sentimental prose; only actions…
No, that couldn’t be entirely true, not when those actions had led to a connection that went beyond anything Alex could ever express out loud.

He wanted to feel ok about what happened, wanted to believe that one night could change everything, but he knew that wasn’t possible.
Throwing the blankets away from his naked body, he sat up and pushed himself off the bed. He headed into the bathroom and grabbed his clothes off the floor, not caring that they were wrinkled and dirty, as he pulled them on.

When Alex got to the hallway, he could hear the familiar sounds of his room-mates, laughing, as silverware clinked against dishes. Jogging down the stairs, Alex came out in the kitchen; surprised to find a large group of people already awake and eating. “Shit! It’s about time you got up Gogo, we were about to send the Calvary out after you.” TK quipped into his fruit loops, earning sharp jab from Kelsey.

“Yah… I don’t know… I was just really tired I guess.” He said absently, his eyes lingering on Evan’s back as she moved around in front of the fridge.

“Do you want coffee or anything?” She asked Alex, casually, after he’d taken a seat beside Jordan.

Shaking his head, he glanced around the table as everyone dug into their food. “No, I’m alright for now.” Evan nodded in response, replacing a jug of juice into the fridge before closing the door shut.
She sat down at the only empty eat left, across the table from Alex.

He stared at her, as if magical words would appear on her face and tell him what she was thinking.
Feeling his gaze she glanced up, shooting him a timid smile before lifting her coffee mug to her lips. She didn’t look upset or angry, but she also didn’t look one hundred percent fine, either.
There were purplish bruises underneath her eyes, and her soft, blond hair, fell limp around her slender shoulders.
Her eyes drifted away from him, glancing away at nothing as she zoned away from the conversation that was now filling the large kitchen. Alex watched her mind as it drifted away, wishing desperately that he could follow after her.



Everyone else had packed and left, each of them suggesting that they ‘needed to do it again’, at some point in the near future. Alex wasn’t sure what they were referring to; hanging out in general, or seeing Evan punch Mike again.
Regardless of which it was, Evan hadn’t asked, only nodded, smiled, and agreed.

Now Alex stood beside her in the living room, watching his team-mates’ vehicles, disappear around the corner. “So… I got a game tomorrow night but…” He began to say, sighing loudly and turning to look at her. “Look, I don’t know what I’m suppose to do here Evan… I don’t know if you want to come back to Pittsburgh with me or, if you even still want me here right now, after last night.” He hated bringing it up like that, referring to that wonderful time as ‘last night’, like it was something horrendous, that couldn’t be discussed in the open.

Evan looked up at him, trying to ignore the fact that her face was burning a deep-crimson. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” She said slowly, exhaling lightly, willing herself not to cry, not again. “This isn’t my house and, I don’t think I’m going to stay here so…” She shrugged, at a loss for words.
She gazed up at him intently, willing him to understand what she was feeling right now.

She didn’t regret making love to him, that wasn’t even a feasible thought in her mind, not now, not ever. She just wasn’t sure what she wanted.
Yes, she still loved Alex… but, she had also just ended a very long, very serious relationship in heartbreak, the night before.
Even if she wanted to get with Alex immediately, which she wasn’t sure she was ready for, she didn’t want to put him through this. Alex deserved better than the roll of re-bound or sloppy second.

If they were meant to be together, then it would happen, she just knew that right now wasn’t the time. “Please don’t think I regret anything, Alex…” She said softly, reaching out to take his hand.
He smiled at her, a genuine smile, as he grabbed for her other hand; pulling her towards him, into a tight hug.
He kissed the top of her head and breathed her in, before letting her go.

“Are you sure you’ll be ok here though?” He said, trying not to show his disappointment. It wasn’t like had expected her to move right in with him and carry on where they’d left off, all those years before.
But maybe, at some point, he’d allowed his mind to pretend that it would be that simple, that easy.

“Yah, I will be…” She said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, revealing the marks on her neck; proof that last night wasn’t just a long-forgotten dream.

Alex pulled his eyes away from her neck and nodded. “Alright well, my doors always open if you change your mind or just… need a change of scenery.” He mumbled, pushing his hands into his pockets before, turning around. “I should get going then but… give me a call tonight though, at least let me know you’re ok.”

“I will.” Evan said quietly, following after Alex as he headed towards the front door.

He pulled on his coat and reached for the handle, having already stowed his bag in the car that morning. “I guess I’ll be… talking to you tonight then.” He said awkwardly, heading out into the crisp, cool air. Evan stood by the opened door, pulling her arms around her tightly against the cold, as she watched him climb into his car.

Alex took his time pulling out of the driveway, just as Evan took her time closing the door and walking back into the house. Neither of them wanting to be separated from the other.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade

Evan was curled up on the couch that night, when headlights flashed in through the front window. She listened intently as a car door slammed, and footsteps walked hesitantly towards the front door.
There was nothing but silence for a full minute, before there came a strong knock on the door.

Evan sat up and exhaled, closing her eyes as she felt tears begin to form on her lids. The knocking sounded again and she opened her eyes, feeling the salty wetness deposit on her cheeks as she stood up and headed towards the door.

She stood in front of it, hyperventaling as she reached out to pull it open, wondering whether or not she should just pretend that she wasn’t home. Her gut instinct left no room for doubt, as to who was behind the door; and when she finally pulled it open, her fears were confirmed. “Evangeline…” Jeff said, his voice so rough and tired, that she could hardly make out her own name.

She wanted to slam the door. She wanted to turn the lock and click the deadbolt into place. She wanted to run away, call Alex and never have to deal with this again, but she couldn’t.
Jeff looked up at her, his eyes blood shot and tired, his posture slumped and defeated. “I, ah… just came to get some things and then I’ll get out of your hair.” He explained softly, as she pulled the door open further and moved back. He walked in past her, awkwardly, feeling uncomfortable in his own house.

He headed towards the stairs, stopping as his hand reached the banister. “Evangeline, I know that it means nothing… but… I’m sorry.” He glanced back at her, his face full of shame and hurt. “I’m sorry that I failed you.” He whispered again, before quietly disappearing to the second floor.

Evan waited on the landing, not moving, other than to take a step back and lean against the wall. She tried to remain composed for the few minutes that Jeff was upstairs, and she managed it, until she heard him come back down.
He walked towards her, a large, stuffed, hockey bag in one hand. “You don’t have to… this is your house Jeff. I’ll go.” She said quietly, nodding towards his bag.

He shook his head though, giving her a weak smile. “Keep it… I’m going to stay with Mike for a bit so, it’s not a big deal, I’ll get another place, or something…” He trailed off, his eyes never leaving her.

“That’s stupid, it’s your house, I’m not gonna keep it.” Evan sighed, feeling more tears fall down onto her cheeks.

“I never meant…” Jeff started to say, but was unable to finish his sentiment as his own eyes began to water. “I didn’t want to hurt you, that was never my intention.”

Evan let out a bark-like laugh, “no, then what was it Jeff? What were you thinking?”

He shrugged, glancing down at the floor. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t thinking. I just… there hasn’t been a minute in my life, since the day we met, that I didn’t love you. Fuck, I still love you Evangeline.
I never wanted it to end this way and I know it’s my fault, I’m just…” Jeff shook his head, every rehearsed line that he had practiced on the way over, completely blank in his mind.
There was a lot he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how.

“How many?” Evan asked finally, the question causing him to look up at her, as he shrugged, unsure of what she was asking. “How many women have you cheated on me with?” She clarified, wondering frantically why she was doing that to herself.

“Her.” He answered honestly, his voice rough, like dry sandpaper.

Evan nodded, biting her lip. “For how long?”

“After you moved down… that… Flyer’s party at Mike’s house…”

“… You don’t cheat on me, when I’m in another state, but then I move here and… why? Why then? Why did you go to her then? Why her?!” She cried, covering her mouth with her hands as the pain bubbled over.

“I didn’t… I didn’t approach her. She came to me and I don’t know why… I can’t give you a reasonable explanation for it. I want to. I wish I could.
I wish I could look you in the face and explain to you why I’ve done all the stupid things that I have, but I don’t know.”

“There doesn’t seem to be a lot you do know…” Evan snapped, glaring at Jeff as she took a deep breath. Her face was hot, and she knew that her cheeks were burning red.

“I know that I don’t want this to be over.” He said quietly, taking a step towards her. He dropped his bag on the floor and reached out, grabbing onto her arms and gently tugging her towards him. “I know that I’m an idiot, and that I don’t deserve you after this… that I probably never deserved you. I know that, without you, there’s nothing in my life worth having…
And I know that I fucked up, in the worse way possible.”

“Jeff,” Evan began, still not sure what she was going to say, even as the words were leaving her mouth. “I don’t know what I want. I love you but… you hurt me and I don’t know if I can move on from that… I don’t know if I want to move on from that.” She sighed, gazing up into his piercing blue eyes.
He held her close, but didn’t try and pull her any closer to him, instead he just watched her for a long time.

“Can you give me a second chance?” He asked finally, fearfully.

“I-I…” Evan stuttered, not wanting to have this conversation now. She wasn’t ready for it. She wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t know what she wanted, that she wasn’t ready to make this decision.

“Just look me in the eye, and tell me that you want me gone forever. Tell me that you don’t want to be with me, that you don’t want this… and I’ll go.
But if you let me stay, I’ll do everything in my power to make this up to you… I know that that probably means nothing to you, after what I’ve done. I just want you Evangeline.
I want to be with you, and look after you, and spend the rest of my life showing you how it should have been from the start.”
Jeff dropped her arms and moved back from her, grabbing his bag off the floor again and stepping towards the door. “Tell me that it’s not easy to lose yourself in that moment, Evangeline. It happened to you, and you’re the closest thing to a saint that I’ve ever seen.
You stopped yourself, I didn’t… but you know how easy it is to let that happen.”

Evan closed her eyes at those words, remembering the night that she’d kissed Alex. She hadn’t actually stopped herself.
Max had barged in and stopped everything. If he hadn’t, then Evan had no doubt how far things would have gone, how far she would have let herself go.
“Give me a call if you… want to talk about it.” Jeff said, giving her a sad smile, before pulling the front door open.

“Jeff.” She called as he stepped out into the night. “I’m not saying that I’m ready to work this out… or that I’ll ever be ready to work it out, but you can stay here. If you want to.”

He glanced back at his truck, and then back at her, torn between what his next move should be. Finally, he nodded, stepping back into the house and closing the door behind him.
He looked like he wanted to say something, thank her, beg her to forgive him some more, but Evan cut him off. “…You’re sleeping in the spare room.” She said with finality, leaving no room for discussion as she headed up the stairs.

Jeff watched her go and shrugged, a grin spreading across his face. Spare-bed, couch, whatever.
So he wasn’t back in the good books yet, but he could tell she was already forgiving him. He wasn’t about to take it for granted though.
Setting down his bag, once more, he pulled out his cell phone and rifled through his contact list.
When he found Sarah’s number, he deleted it, before following Evan up the stairs. He knew he had a lot of work to do, but he could fix this.
He would fix this.