I'm sorry guys, this update is horrible... I just wanted to get it up so that I could move on to some better ones lol.
Walking Away - Kina Grannis
Evan sat alone on the bed, perched on the end, nothing but a single sheet wrapped around her naked form. She stared out the window, as the wind whipped through the downtown streets of Pittsburgh. She felt as lost and used as the garbage that whirled around the pavement and concrete, swept uselessly aside by the blustery weather.
No, perhaps ’used’ was too strong of a word. No one had used her, just made a fool of her, and broke her heart.
She hated the way she felt now, what was she supposed to do? She loved Alex, she did, but she wasn’t ready for this. It probably made no sense to other people, but it did to her.
Even though she’d already had a relationship with Alex, and knew how wonderful and perfect he was, she still wasn’t ready.
She needed to retreat into seclusion, nurse her wounds, and find her feet again. She needed to do all that on her own though.
Evan wanted Alex, that much was obvious, but she couldn’t keep letting him wait for her. She had to take the big steps and learn to stand again on her own, then and only then, could she come back for him. But this… all of this had to wait, she was just too hurt and exhausted to truly figure anything out.
It wasn’t that she thought Alex would break her, or hurt her like Jeff; at least, she was pretty sure he wouldn’t. She hated that, having any doubts where Alex was concerned, but she supposed that was what betrayal did to someone. You always expected the worst from people, even the ones that didn’t deserve your suspicion.
As if on cue, the door opened behind her, and Evan looked back to see Alex standing in the opening, a wooden tray of food in his hands. “Breakfast?” He grinned sheepishly, motioning towards the steaming plate of food with his head.
Evan smiled back at him, watching as he moved towards her, sitting down on the bed and staring at her intently. “Hungry at all? I mean… it’s probably not that good but…” He shrugged, clicking his tongue against the top of his mouth as he looked away, awkwardly.
“Don’t say that… you’re a better cook than I’ll ever be. And I’ll eat it in a minute but… I… I think we need to talk first.” She said quietly, watching Alex as he set the tray on the floor, before looking up at her.
He nodded and pulled out the folded paper that he’d been holding under the tray. “What’s that?” She asked, and he held it out, showing her the collage of pictures on the front of it.
“I was doing some thinking and… I realized that you’re not going to stay.” Alex said simply, shrugging his shoulders like the idea didn’t bother him. “I mean, if I sat here and begged you, you probably would but…
I guess I just know you too well. I was thinking about it a lot and, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.”
Alex reached out, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear before continuing. “I love you… I always have, that’s not going to chance because you need to figure things out...” He bent forward, setting the tray on the floor and sitting back up, taking her hand in his.
“Just come back to me when you do.”
Evan shook her head, biting her lip as she stared at him lovingly. “I’m so sorry… you don’t deserve this.”
“Just tell me that you love me and that you’ll let me help you, if you need it.”
She reached out with her free hand, dragging her hand along his bare chest. “I love you.”
Ducking his head down, he brushed his lips against hers, intensifying the kiss until he was crawling on top of her.
She moved with him, allowing herself to fall back against the bed as he shifted his body above hers.
It wasn’t until Evan’s legs, still twisted in the sheet, began to wrap around his back, that he pulled away, still smiling at her. “Sorry… got a little carried away… you should eat though.” He said, reaching out and pulling Evan back up into a sitting position. “Oh, and this!” He exclaimed, grabbing the paper back up and handing it to her.
It was a realtor listing of the area, houses, apartments and lofts for sale in the nearby area. She glanced at the paper closer, and saw a few penciled circles around some of the places.
“Kicking me out?” She quipped, her eyes never straying from the black and white images in front of her.
Alex didn’t bother responding, instead, he dropped his arm around her shoulder and tried to be positive.
“We can go look whenever you want but… I’d really like it if you stayed in Pittsburgh.” He said quietly, looking slightly guilty as he did so.
He didn’t want to force her into anything, but at the same time, he knew he needed her close.
“No, that sounds good to me…” She agreed, resting her head on his shoulder as she let out a soft sigh.
Even though she’d just gotten up, Evan was exhausted. She gave Alex a quick kiss on the cheek before crawling to the top of the bed and pulling the sheets up around her. Shaking his head, Alex crawled after her; any ambitions of attending the optional practice, forgotten.
He pulled back the covers and joined her, flipping them back up until they were completely submerged in the blue sheets.
Alex pushed his arms out in front of him, creating a make shift tent as he glanced over at her. “Nice tent.” She yawned, covering her mouth with the back of her hand.
“S’not a tent…” Alex mumbled into the thick, warm, air that clung around them. “I built you a castle… you can just live here, and be queen.” He quipped, glancing over at her.
Her eyes were closed, but she smiled in spit of herself.
“No one wants to be a queen… they’re old and ugly. I’m a princess.” She explained, her voice becoming subdued as she began to drift into unconsciousness.
Alex grinned to himself, scooting closer to her as her breathing became steady. He hadn’t been that tired, but wrapped in this warm cocoon with her, was having a hypnotic effect on him.
He lowered his arm, draping it over her sleeping form as the blanket gently dropped down around them.
Alex tried to remain positive and keep himself optimistic, as far as their relationship was concerned.
For some reason though, it wasn’t that difficult. Maybe he just knew what it was like to feel like you had lost everything, or maybe he was just extremely in tune to what Evan needed the most. Either way, Alex could completely understand why she had to figure things out herself.
She’d just been hurt by someone she’d trusted and tried to be with. If she went right into another relationship and something happened, where would she be? How do you still stand after being battered twice with no recovery time?
He, of course, knew that he’d never do anything to hurt her, but that didn’t change anything.
He just kept smiling, knowing that whatever happened, she’d never be back with Jeff… and she knew now, knew for sure, that Alex loved her more than anything.
All that was left to do now, was let her walk away.
Part of him was hoping that he wouldn’t have to wait too long, but the other half of him tried not to think of it.
He knew Evan well enough to tell when she was hurting, but even he couldn’t conceptualize just how betrayed and let-down she probably felt.
He closed his eyes and nestled his face into the top of her head, pulling her close against him.
Just To Be The Next - Mr. Big
The guys left Tuesday for their Canadian road trip, leaving Evan to look after the house, and take over the role of Chubby’s caretaker.
Normally Alex left her with the elderly lady across the street, but he was at least glad that Evan wouldn’t be totally alone now.
The guys, for the most part, weren’t stupid. They could put two and two together, and assumed that given Evan’s ‘episode’ in the locker-room, and the fact that she was now living with Alex, Max and Jordan; it was a good indication of her relationship status with Jeff.
Something that the guys felt the need to talk about, the whole trip.
“So when do we play the Flyers next cause… that’s gonna be awesome!” TK exclaimed from the back of the plane.
“Agreed.” Someone added, causing Alex to roll his eyes as he pretended that that game meant nothing more to him, than anyone else. “Crosby, when do we play them?” The same voice yelled, and Alex finally turned around to see Cookie peering into the aisle, his eyes focused on the back of Sidney’s head.
“Umm… we get back on Sunday, and we play them two days after, so Tuesday.” He explained, his eyes zoning out as he mentally tried to picture the season’s schedule.
“Hear that Alex, next Tuesday you get to punch Carter in the face.” Rupp said smugly, turning around in his seat to glance at Alex.
Alex sighed and looked out the window, hoping they’d eventually get bored and leave him alone.
Max cleared his throat from beside Alex. “Maybe we should call Evan up, non? I mean… she can throw a punch. You... not so much.”
The boys began to laugh at that statement, causing Alex to blush in annoyance and embarrassment.
“It’s true though, Evan’s a lot wilder than you… bet she’s all about the ‘Gogo domination’.” Billy G added from somewhere behind Alex.
Kris let out an exasperated sigh, tilting his head back. “Guys come on. Back off and leave him alone… he doesn’t want to talk about personal shit with you idiots.”
Alex looked across the aisle at Kris and gave him a thankful grin, which Kris returned. “Oh! Have we touched a tender topic Mr. Letang?” Cookie quipped, nudging TK. “I think Piglet’s getting uncomfortable.”
“Ha! Our two little S&M boys.” Rupper started to laugh, slapping the arm rest with his large, calloused hand. “I just thought… it’s like we have two piglets… like Toot and Puddle, get it?”
“Toot and Puddle? What the fuck are you talk about, Rupper?” TK asked, staring at him with confusion clouding his face.
Rupper shrugged at him incredulity. “Toot and Puddle those two fucking pigs that travel all over the place… it’s a kid’s show…” He added when no one said anything. “I watch it with Mason all the time!” Rupper continued, defensively as everyone started to laugh at him.
Alex turned back around as the guys began to laugh harder at Rupper’s backtracking attempts. He felt pretty confident that they’d leave him alone, at least for a while.
Although, without having to listen to them babble at him or make choice comments, all he was left with were his thoughts - and that wasn’t exactly a positive thing.
He couldn’t really talk about it with the guys, they just wouldn’t understand, hell… he didn’t really understand.
It was almost implausible to think that he could have been waiting so long for this moment, and he was completely ready to let her go. It wasn’t even that he didn’t have a choice, it was that fact that he knew, it was the right thing to do.
At times, he wished that his ideas of right and wrong weren’t so black and white, then maybe he could ignore his gut, and just try and make her stay. Of course, that would go against everything he stood for.
He wanted Evan, needed to be the next one to be with her, but that wasn’t all he wanted.
He also wanted to be the last man to ever be with her. The one that she could count on and turn to, believe in and trust. After everything she'd been through, Alex knew that that was going to take some time, luckily for him, he was a patient person.
Evan waited by the front window. She didn’t want to seem needy or creepy, but she was desperate to be around people again. No, desperate to be around Alex.
She hadn’t gone to work all week. Not wanting to drive the car that Jeff had bought for her, she’d been stuck in Pittsburgh the whole time the guys had been gone.
Of course, since Jordan, Max and Alex had all gone in Jordan’s SUV to the arena to catch the bus, Max’s and Alex’s vehicles were still in the driveway.
She wasn’t about to drive either one of them though, she was already bumming enough as it was.
She had basically lived the past two years of her life, completely dependent on Jeff. She’d allowed him to pay all the bills, buy everything for her and dictate her life.
She’d moved to a new state for him, given up school for him, all she had was her job, and she wasn’t even attending that at the moment.
And what if she had have done everything Jeff wanted? She wouldn’t even have her shitty, dead-end job.
Now, she was stuck living off Alex’s money. He didn’t have a problem with it, calling every night to make sure she still had the credit card he’d left for her, and that everything was ok. In truth she hadn’t touched the thing; the black and gold Penguins Visa still sat on the kitchen counter.
She couldn’t believe that everything had come to this. As she stood in the reflection of the setting sun, she felt like it wasn’t just disappearing behind the tall buildings, but out of her life completely.
She’d become a parasite, leeching off of Alex both literally and metaphorically.
Evan, in her own mind, now felt like she was no better than the puck bunnies, jersey chasers and rink whores, she’d dealt with in high school and university.
She was broken. Plain and simple. She’d managed to become everything that she despised and hated in a matter of months.
She didn’t deserve Alex. This week alone had given her the time to see that. She wanted him, she loved him, and she knew he loved her… but that’s what made the whole thing so wrong.
Alex deserved someone who was whole and perfect. Someone that could give everything they had to him and never put him through anything bad.
She’d already managed to break his heart, several times - she was sure - and she didn’t want to do it anymore.
This time would be different though, she’d back off and give him space. Start her life over and hope that’d he’d eventually move on.
This time when she left, she wouldn’t be coming back.
5 years ago